into the wild blue yonder.

ok, so i have something completely tragic to admit.

i am a reader of fan fiction.

i don't admit this to many people in person--actually, i've only admitted it to one individual thus far. however, i truly enjoy reading it.

i've tried writing it...but it turns out that i am not a writer of the fan fiction. simply an avid consumer.

now, while i may not be a very good writer of fan fiction as it applies to television and books, i am a fan or writing just plain old fiction. in fact, as i have mentioned before, this is a dream i've had for a long time: to write fiction.

as i continue to explore the world of fan fiction, i'm more and more drawn to these short stand-alone pieces that are often referred to as "DRABBLES."

according to fan fiction lingo, a drabble is traditionally a work 100 words or less, but any short piece can be considered one.

i think i'm drawn to these brief pieces because i have such commitment phobia when it comes to anything and everything i ever set out to do.

so i've decided to write fiction drabbles. maybe someday i'll write a piece of fan fiction. who knows? but until then, i'll write whatever comes to mind.

we'll see how this plays out.

Untitled zombie poem.

Silence outside.
Too much silence.
Silence meant it was only a
matter of time.

Better get it over with
he told himself.

He flings open the door.
Sunlight pours in,
like lemonade into a crystal glass.

So does the zombie.

He's waited for this moment
and now there's no more time for waiting.

Quick as a cobra,
he lunges,
sword in hand.

It takes only a second,
and the zombie
is a jumbled heap on the floor--
a broken pile of something
that used to be.

Now gone.

Sailing Away

I remember that first time you left.
You left for the Outback--Down Under.
And I imagined you in strange, far off lands--
places where the water in the toilets supposedly spun backward.

When I was young,
Your trips home eclipsed everything else.

You were my North Star.
Even when I couldn't see you, I felt your presence
and knew you were always there.

You spent so much of your time sailing away.
Always leaving me back on shore,
waving goodbye long after you were out of sight.

It gets old, after awhile.
Waving after someone who never looks back.

As I got older, the world got smaller.
The oceans between us shrank to
puddles of no consequence.

And still you stayed away.

I realize now that you're only human.
Just like me.

And that even though you were always sailing away,
I never once tried to stop you.

maybe.

maybe if i close my eyes
the ache will stop
the tears will dry
and i will just move on.

maybe if i hold you close
that pain inside
that no one knows
will wither and move on.

maybe if i shut my mouth
the truth will never
wander out
i'll forget and i'll move on.

maybe if my heart just stills
this life that shatters
and that thrills
will finish me and then move on.

in vain

forgive me each and every word
that's died upon my tongue
the ones held fast behind my teeth
on which my heart's been hung

forgive me every sinful thought
for control is hard to grasp
and it seems that for each aberration
it's harder to win back

forgive my lack of discipline
my mind falters, as you see
and it often leads me places
where i truly should not be

forgive me for the things i want
but never let me have
forgive me for those things on which i think
but fail to act

forgive me my compassion
when i've used it as a shield
another prop to hide behind
for every sword they wield

forgive me for this thing i'm thinking
appealing as it is
life does not smile fondly on
a foot placed so amiss

i find it odd that though i plead for mercy
it won't help
for the sole forgiveness that i seek
is only from myself

i wanted

i wanted to think of a poem to write
whose theme would not seem one a million have tried.

i wanted to think of a jumble of sound
that would mean something not nothing and would strongly resound.

i wanted to write of the way that i feel
but my thoughts are just spots of emotion unreal.

i wanted to say that i love you.
maybe i should have just stuck with that.

cut.

there's something in the words you say
that makes me think you're not okay
how much life do you wish to drown?
give up now and come back down

i fear you disregard me
criticize my naivety
i apologize if i've misled
i see things clearly

not everyone can see the cuts
but each one's there--a separate rut

how very sad and tragic
that underneath this hype
i most fear you're far past saving
and i'm not the saving type

Another ocean metaphor.

I do so good, you know?

It’s been a while
since the last big wave came along.
No need to look over my shoulder
every time I feel a cool breeze
just to make sure
the winds haven’t changed.

Sometimes
it’s so good
I almost think I can see the shore.
(I can’t, of course, but I am a master at fooling myself.)

It’s not as bad out here
as I thought.
I’m getting used to treading water.
I don’t even mind the burn in my lungs
anymore.

It’s not the same.
(It never will be.)
But there are mermaids and manatees to talk to.
And when they’re off
doing their own thing
the silence isn’t as deafening
as it used to be.
I rather like the sound
of the ocean moving around me.
Past me.

I never thought I would.

But then you come along.
Sneak up on me
silent as a shark.
It’s a quick struggle.

I find myself being dragged under again.

new kid.

got a new kid today. he walked in, just as we were getting settled in to take a mock state assessment.

i had no idea he would be coming.

i never do.

i'm sure he's a lovely kid. i haven't gotten a chance to really interact with him, but i felt angry that upon his arrival i felt shock and frustration, rather than welcoming. unfortunately, this is how it always is.

i checked my email, and sure enough, 4 minutes before he walked through my door, THIS little gem popped into my inbox:

Good morning,

We have a new student.

i've got so many reasons WHY.

but this is just one more reason WHY NOT.

why is this my life?

let me set the scene:

i've just finished an hour long TELPAS training that i found out about at the last minute and is due tomorrow. i get through the online training with no problems because it's easy, i'm competent, and i did it last year and most things stick with me.

L walks into the room with a resource binder for me, just as i'm finishing up.

i look up briefly to greet her and then look back down at the computer screen...only to realize that my certificate (proving i've successfully finished the training) has disappeared. and i didn't print it. or save it. or anything it.

"NO!"

thankfully, L has already done the training as well. with her help, i find a way to retrieve the certificate.

unfortunately, it pops up in PDF format, opened by Adobe Acrobat.

"just save it and send it to him," L says (HIM being our administrator).

"i can't! i don't have enough time to save it!" i say, immediately hitting CTR-P to print the document.

why don't i have time to save it? well, that would be because my computer doesn't appropriately support Adobe Acrobat, and so any document i open using it immediately closes after just 5 seconds. so all i have time for is hitting CTR-P as quickly as possible.

i am successful! the document is sent to the printer just as Adobe Acrobat shuts down, taking my certificate with it.

i look up at L. "why is this my life?"

"seriously. i want a CTR-Z. ON MY LIFE."

"more like a CTR-ALT-DEL." that's our social studies teacher, walking by at the most opportune moment.

and you know what? he's right. a CTR-ALT-DEL sounds AWESOME. this program is no longer responding. it's time to abandon ship. (please excuse my mixed metaphors.) i love the kids, but the last two years have been HELL.

days like these remind me i need to be moving on to greener pastures. especially when our fearless leader sends us emails like this:

Dear All,

With my apology we need to postpone our training to next week.

I feel myself very tired and exhausted , because of this week’s test schedules and preparing materials.

yep. this is my life.

"You're only young once,

they say, but doesn't it go on for a long time?

More years than you can bear."

Hilary Mantel, An Experiment in Love

recent readings.

about a month ago, our charter school's headquarters (that sounds so secret agency, and it's so, so far from it...) sent us lucky middle school English teachers a huge shipment of fiction and non-fiction books for our classroom libraries.

needless to say, we were pretty stoked.

we got so many books that i haven't really had time to sift through most of them, so i've been relying on student recommendations.

on Tuesday, one of my 8th graders had this book lying on her desk:

A Monster Calls
by Patrick Ness
inspired by an idea from Siobhan Dowd

one glance at the cover, and i was intrigued.

a look inside revealed to me that there were GORGEOUS illustrations on almost every other page. i immediately knew i had to read this book. i asked my student about it, and she assured me that even though she was only a little ways in, it was already fantastic. she had finished it up by Thursday morning, and turned it back in so that i could read it.

i devoured it in a day, and it was MAGNIFICENT.

i've never read anything by Patrick Ness before, but he's definitely on my radar now.

it's about a teenage boy whose mother is dying from cancer. the boy, Conor, has a recurring nightmare that he is afraid to admit, even to himself. he also has hallucinations where he talks to a giant monster made out of a yew tree. it's bizarre, but in the most wonderful way. it's also incredibly touching. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED. at our in-service meeting last Friday, another book was brought to my attention:

The Fault in Our Stars
by John Green

now, i have long been a fan of John Green.

it was a couple of years ago that i read An Abundance of Katherines, but i'll never forget how zany and brilliant the main character was. in fact, all of the characters were fantastically written. i couldn't put it down.

and then i read Looking for Alaska.

Looking for Alaska changed the way i think about Young Adult Fiction, because for the first time, i knew that YA fiction had the ability to be witty and exhilarating and devastating all at the same time. John Green was all of these things and so much more.

i'd been steeped in sappy YA novels for so long that Alaska was a breath of much needed fresh air. again, the main character was brilliant. again, the other characters were fantastic. but it was just so...raw. and i hate when people throw that word around...but there's really no other way to describe it. Alaska made me feel as though my heart had been ripped open and exposed to the world, and no realistic fiction YA book had made me feel that way in quite some time. not since Markus Zusak's The Book Thief, which is more historical fiction anyway.

so when i heard that John Green's NEW BOOK was stupendous, i made it a mission to read it immediately.

that same evening, it was purchased and sitting on my bedroom dresser.

i just started reading it today, but it's already making me laugh aloud (i'm sure the cashier at Jason's Deli thinks i'm a little insane, because i was reading and giggling hysterically while waiting for my sandwich...) and sigh with romantic notions.

i'm already anticipating a hurricane of tears to come.

this is what i want to do with my life.

on writing for a living...

"My dad, a janitor all of his life, once asked me what I did for a living, since he had noticed that I didn't go out to work. I gave him a long story about characterization, plot, outlining, etc. I just didn't feel right saying that all I did was write down my daydreams."

-walter dean myers

after weak days

come strong days.

at least there's that.

reason #2:

today, while grading a student's reading response to To Kill a Mockingbird, i found this little gem:

"Everybody in this book is kinda racist. Actually, pretty much everybody today is racist.

My whole group told me that it would get better eventually if I keep reading. To be honest, I wasn't gonna read it; I was gonna sparknotes it. But no I didn't! I knew that doing that is cheating and that Ms. Salinas wouldn't be proud!

...Atticus is defending a black guy named Tom Robinson. Tom is accused of raping Mayella Ewell. In the beginning of the court, everything wasn't too exciting or interesting.

Later on as I keep reading, Atticus was like PWNING Mayella by asking a series of questions."

that's right. that's why Atticus is my favorite literary character of ALL TIME.

because he PWNS.

and also, because i can't resist:

life lesson 2:

don't spoil the ending.

so, the kids are currently in the middle of a book club cycle.

this basically means that groups of 3 to 5 students are reading the same book. the kids read the book throughout the week and have a page schedule that they're required to keep up with. on Friday, the groups meet to talk about their book.

the most common occurring problem (and the most frustrating one, as far as i can tell), is that some kids insist on reading ahead.

i warned the students at the start of our book clubs that reading ahead would make their Friday meetings more difficult--they'd be tempted to tell the other students what happens next, and they wouldn't be able to participate in discussion as fully.

it just really helps when everyone is on the same page--figuratively AND literally.

anyway, i have groups in a couple different classes that are reading The Outsiders. as you may be aware, i STRONGLY advocate this book's use in middle school classrooms. i've never met a kid who didn't finish the book once starting it. they love the violence, the action, and especially the fact that these kids feel like outsiders--which is a pretty common feeling among middle schoolers.

in one of my 8th grade classes is one such group reading The Outsiders. this group is made up of ALL BOYS, which i was VERY worried about. but i said, "you know what? they all picked the same book. i told them i'd group them according to their book choice, and i'm going to stick with that."

i'm still not sure if this was a good idea.

but it IS highly amusing.

last Friday, we met as scheduled.

i was walking around the room, poking my nose into the other groups' conversations to see how they were faring. i took my eyes off that Outsiders group for ONE minute, and when i looked back, it was like i was seeing a flashback from my dysfunctional family's last Thanksgiving dinner. two of the boys were on the ground under the table, one was curled up in the corner of the room, and the other two were having a heated debate in the midst of it all.

i took a deep breath and made my way over to conquer the chaos.

i'm almost there when i get stopped by the To Kill a Mockingbird group. i'm trying to clear up some confusion when suddenly, one of the two boys who was just under the Outsiders table, Sam, crawls toward me on all four and continues crawling around my feet in counter-clockwise circles. i look up at the rest of the class, which has gone eerily silent. we're ALL trying to figure out what the heck is going on.

i look over at the other Outsiders boys and raise an eyebrow. "okay. what happened?"

Andrew (the other boy under the table) clears it up. he gestures toward the two having the heated discussion. "Chris and John finished the book. and they're talking about the ending. but we're not there yet!"

i looked from Andrew to Chris and John (who had stopped talking and had joined the rest of the class in watching Sam crawl around) and finally looked at Sam once more (he was on his third lap around my feet by this time...) before addressing the class.

"guys, let this be a lesson to us all. you DON'T SPOIL THE BOOK for your friends! look! they BROKE Sam!"

it took a little coaxing to get the group to agree not to spoil any more of the book for anybody. the conversation was put on hold until everyone could catch up, and the crisis was averted. but later, i laughed. a lot.

reason #1

of why i love teaching:

yesterday was valentine's day.

obviously, this comes as no surprise. however, it was the first valentine's day i've spent single in 6 and a half years.

my fiance broke my heart this past september when he decided that we were no longer making each other happy.

the thing is, he was right. and honestly, i have to be thankful that he decided to call it quits. because i don't know that i would have ever been strong enough to do so myself.

we broke up for a lot of reasons. but that's another story for another time.

anyway. a group of my seventh graders decided to have a "Singles Party" in honor of their single status on valentine's. i agreed to host the shindig in my classroom during lunchtime. it mostly consisted of them talking and eating too many sugary foods.

at one point, the girl who organized the party decided to make a toast of sorts: "here's to being single! all of us in the room, except for Ms. Salinas, are single."

i cleared my throat. "actually..."

they got the drift.

in an attempt to comfort me, the only male student in attendance gestured toward me and said, "the reason Ms. Salinas can't find the perfect man is because she's more perfect than all of them."

who needs a significant other when i've got 90+ students who light up my life on a daily basis?

follow up.

today in class, my reluctant reader (the one who just started reading The Hunger Games) asked me the following:

"miss...does Peeta really love Katniss? or is it a lie?"

i replied along the lines of, "sorry! can't tell you that."

after a few more unsuccessful attempts to get me to reveal Peeta's true feelings, he says:

"fine. but if this book doesn't end the way i want it to, i'm going to burn it."

i completely understand. sometimes, you just want it all to go the way YOU want it to go.

<3 peeta.

reluctant readers.

i have this kid in my homeroom class.

like any other 8th grade boys, he thinks he's just about the coolest thing since sliced bread.

last year, he was in one of my 7th grade classes, so this is our second year together. last year, he NEVER read. i tried so hard to find him a book that would engage him! in my school's district, we're putting Balanced Literacy into practice. Balanced Literacy basically means that the kids get to choose their own books--we've completely done away with the whole-class novel, which is pretty refreshing. the kids are all expected to have a book of their own choice that they read on a daily basis. Balanced Literacy ALSO means that we spend 50 percent of our time in English doing genuine reading and writing. this is pretty great as well, because i KNOW that my kids are reading and writing. heck! they're doing it right in front of my eyes!

anyway, back to this student. last year, i searched high and low for a book that would hold his interest. but daily, i found myself watching him simply pass his eyes over the words in whatever book he'd picked up that day, never actually enjoying any of it.

for an english teacher, this is the most frustrating thing in the world.

i LOVE books! i want all of my students to love them too! but sometimes, being excited about reading is just not enough to get a kid excited about it as well.

hence my struggle to find him the perfect book.

last year, i finally gave him Where the Red Fern Grows. i loved this book as a kid and read it frequently even as an adult. i hoped that the dogs/hunting/wilderness factor would draw him in. and it DID!

last year, he finished Where the Red Fern Grows. and then, during Teacher Appreciation Week, i found a card from him in my Teacher Appreciation mailbox (a large envelope stapled outside my classroom door). the card read:

Miss,

Thank you for helping me finish my first book ever.

i read that card, and immediately teared up.

so this year! i decided that i would help this student continue cultivating a love for reading. we were off to a good start! he'd finally finished a book! i knew that he could at least finish another one!

the year started off rocky. he chose a book at the beginning of the year--a survival story of some sort by Gary Paulsen--and managed to finish it! and then a month went by and i was seeing a repeat performance of last year. every morning he came in, picked up a random book and let his eyes glaze over the words within. but he wasn't engaged.

so i made some suggestions. how about this one? nope. this one looks good! nope. another Gary Paulsen, perhaps? nopers.

so i recommended the one book i knew he would never be able to resist.

and you know what? he loved it.

thus began a harrowing journey into the land of books for my little reluctant reader. Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events had just become pretty popular among a handful of my homeroom kids, and he picked up the first one and powered through that next. then the second one. when he'd finished The Wide Window (#3!), i asked if he'd like to continue on with number four.

"nah, miss. i think i want to read something else."

well, okay then!

he searched for a couple of days, trying a few things out. and then one day...

i held my breath as he chose a copy of The Hunger Games from the shelf. i didn't want to spook him by voicing my enthusiasm outright. it was like watching a fawn creep into your yard for a bite of grass--i felt like if i even looked directly at it, he would get gun-shy and run away with his tail between his legs. so i waited. and i waited.

a couple of days into him reading the book, i stopped by his desk and pointed at it while his table was in the middle of some group work. "oh! The Hunger Games!" i said as casually as i could muster (don't mess it up! don't mess it up!) "that's a great book. kids killing kids, you know--lots of good stuff. you're going to really enjoy it."

what i really wanted to do was dance a jig.

two weeks later.

we're in the computer lab. the kids are working on a final draft of a piece of writing they've been creating for a couple of weeks, and i hear this same kid, trying to be the cool 8th grader he believes he has to be, say, "yeah, well, reading's not that great anyway."

i stop by his computer desk. "are you honestly saying you're not enjoying The Hunger Games?"

he looked up at me with the most sheepish eyes i'd ever seen.

i didn't push it, because i knew he was just trying to look cool.

fast forward to this Tuesday.

we're having some of our genuine reading time in class. the kids are spread around the classroom, some in desks, some sprawled out on the floor (they're allowed to get comfy when we're reading), and this particular student is sitting in a desk where i can clearly see both him and his book. he's about halfway through, and so far, no signs of stopping.

all of a sudden, he says, "WHAT!?" really loudly.

it's EXTREMELY quiet, like i said. so naturally, everyone looks up.

they soon realize that nothing of consequence is happening and go back to their own novels.

but i see this moment for what it truly is.

this student--this reluctant reader of mine--has just had such a visceral reaction to a BOOK that he literally yelled at it!

he makes eye contact with me, and i see that sheepish look come back. he knows he's enjoying this book. and he knows i know it too.

"what part are you at?" i ask quietly.

he tells me that he's just finished part one. "Peeta just said he's in love with Katniss."

ah, yes. i remember that part clear as day. i'm pretty sure that wherever i was when i read that same page, i too yelled out, "WHAT!?"

but that moment, when this student of mine, who read his first book EVER last year yelled at a book...

well, that is EXACTLY the kind of moment that i live for.

that kind of moment makes it all worth it.

PS: thank you Suzanne Collins. thank you for writing a trilogy that draws in even the most reluctant of readers. <3